If you have been a follower of my blog from the beginning there are a few things you know..
- I’m a dancer
- I LOVE being a Mama!
What you may also know is that I had very difficult pregnancies, both ending in C-sections after weeks of active labor resulting in no dilation.
This is not a post about how hard my pregnancy was; I know many women who have had worst pregnancies, this is about the emotional and still physically painful part of being “trapped” in your body after baby.
I use the word “trapped” because try as you may, you will NEVER slip back into your pre-baby self.
Even though you can’t be what you were emotionally or physically, you CAN be better in a different way, can’t you?
There are so many get your body back quick schemes that make me tear up when I think of all of the new Mamas who are pressured into thinking that you should immediately lose all of your weight and wear your old bikini.
I’m no stranger to hard work, being a dancer all of my life. I figured hard work and smart eating would do the trick..
Well, let me introduce you to my new bestie; diastasis recti ,aka your abs split in half from having back to back babies and can’t find their way back together.
No, this doesnt happen to all women but it happens A LOT. Doctors don’t prepare you for this and I certainly had no clue while I still looked 4 months pregnant 10 months after my baby was born.
Just as I started to look into it and begin to “rehab” it, you guessed it I got pregnant again.
BUT, I had a game plan this time. I knew what exercises to do and wore my ab splint religiously.
I started making working out my job, literally and have never felt better! The story ends right, NO.
Truth be told I have been having tummy issues, for lack of getting too detailed, since having my second. Even after losing a lot of weight and physically looking toned, I had a bulge around my belly button that just wouldn’t go away.
Again, thinking it was just my BFF diastasis recti, I ignored it and ignored it and ignored it…but it wouldn’t go away with my symptoms getting worse.
After an episode of extreme abdominal pain that my husband and I thought I would need to go to the hospital for I decided to get a second opinion, since the first doctor told me this was just a part of settling into my “new body”.
After about a 30 minute consultation, she looked at me and said you have an umbilical hernia. Without going into much detail, my condition means there is nothing holding my intestinal wall in place hence the severe abdominal pain I have been in.
I asked myself in that moment, why I never insisted at those previous doctors appointments that they rule out other medical conditions.
I asked myself how many other women are afraid to bring up their post pregnancy pain fearful of how they may look or sound.
So as I sit here writing this, I’m emotionally and physically uncomfortable. On one hand I feel relieved that that bulge will not be a permanent fixture on me. On the other hand I’m terrified to have this surgery, a surgery that will leave me unable to work out for 6 weeks.
I have worked so hard to get to a place where my back no longer hurts daily because I have regained my abdominal strength back.
I have worked so hard to get back into shape restoring confidence in myself that I thought was lost.
When you read all of the baby books they don’t tell you this part. They don’t tell you that for some women their post pregnancy bodies can’t figure out to get to a new normal on their own.
My body is one of those..I thought I would be the woman who would have her babies and dance her way back to her old self.
In March I will undergo surgery to fix the literal hole in my stomach my babies left. I won’t be able to lift my girls, carry anything over 10 pounds or do anything physically taxing for 4-6 weeks.
In a moment of honesty, I feel as if my body has turned on me, after all of the ways I have been loving and taking care of it.
As I lay here looking at the calendar with my surgery day circled I whisper to myself- we will get through this together.
Even the optimist in me is uncertain of just how she is going to get back to the place she has worked so hard to get to, BUT I WONT GIVE UP!
One. Day. At. A. Time!
P.S. please send me book recommendations, free time is something I’m not good at handling😉